1. Because he was not the one we were waiting for.
3. Because Julia needs to get off her lazy, federally subsidized butt, get a real job, and pay for her own damned birth-control pills.
4. Because lots of people fail at their first real job.
5. Because “Winning the Future” was not a very good slogan back in 2005 when it was Newt’s.
6. Because the country is ready for its first African-American former president.
7. To give him the free time to write his third memoir.
8. Because he’ll have even more “flexibility” after November if he’s back in Chicago.
9. Joe Biden.
10. So that dissent will once again be the highest form of patriotism.
11. Because he didn’t quite get the message in 2010.
12. For claiming that he would cut the deficit in half.
13. And then adding more than $5 trillion in new debt.
14. To remind him that debt used to be, in his own words, “unpatriotic.”
15. Because the buck never stops.
16. For blaming President Bush.
17. For blaming headwinds.
18. For blaming Japanese earthquakes.
19. For blaming ATMs.
20. He can’t get the vice president to stop calling him “Barack” in public.
21. Gabby Giffords shooting commemorative T-shirts and pep rally.
22. Because he listened to the Reverend Wright’s crackpot racist diatribes for years and then gave us a lecture on racism.
23. For ignoring his own deficit commission.
24. Because of an $800 billion stimulus bill.
25. “Shovel-ready” projects.
26. The non-existence of shovel-ready projects.
27. For joking about the non-existence of shovel-ready projects.
28. Because “jobs created or saved” is Enron accounting.
29. Because there were stimulus grants in imaginary ZIP codes.
30. For proposing a $53 billion high-speed-rail project while Amtrak is still losing hundreds of millions of dollars a year.
31. For repeatedly citing the 2007 Minnesota bridge collapse as evidence of the need for expanded infrastructure spending when federal investigators ruled that bad design, not disrepair, caused the collapse.
32. For 613 new federal regulations in the first 33 months of his presidency.
33. And because 129 of those regulations will each cost the economy more than $100 million a year.
34. Because the Small Business Administration estimates the price of current regulations at $1.75 trillion annually — a bigger burden than the corporate income tax.
35. Because his neck must be hurting from keeping his chin up in the air for nearly four years.
36. Because Cass Sunstein boasted about an “unprecedentedly ambitious government-wide review” of regulation that saved only $2 billion per year, or 0.1 percent of the cost of regulatory compliance.
37. “The private sector is doing fine.”
38. Because the private sector isn’t doing fine.
39. Because his administration predicted the stimulus would keep unemployment below 8 percent.
40. February 9, 2009: “If we get things right, then starting next year, we can start seeing some significant improvement” on the employment front.
41. Because now we have a 24 percent unemployment rate for people 16 to 19 years old.
42. Because the lowest the unemployment rate was during the Obama administration was 8.1 percent.
43. Because the current unemployment rate is 8.3 percent.
44. Because 4 million Americans have been out of work for more than a year.
45. Because the black unemployment rate is 14.4 percent.
46. And the Hispanic unemployment rate is 10.3 percent.
47. And because the real unemployment rate — including those who have abandoned the job hunt — is even higher.
48. Because the percentage of working-age Americans who are employed has dropped from 61 percent to 58 percent — and stayed there.
49. Because, in his own words, his “first job is to make sure the economy is growing, that we’re creating jobs out there.” You said it, not us.
50. Because he spent all of 2007 and 2008 imploring us to send him to Washington and, now that he has the job, he can’t stop whining about how much he hates it there.
51. Because Nicholas Thompson, the vice president of polling firm The Tarrance Group, while discussing public views of Obama, said that “there’s a lot of people who feel sorry for him.” We should help them out.
52. Because when unemployment hit 10.2 percent, he extolled the economy’s “core strengths.”
53. Because in a fundraising e-mail of September 1, 2011, he demanded that Republicans “take action on” a jobs plan that he had not yet released.
54. Revising his tune on the recovery in December 2011, he said: “It’s going to take more than two years. It’s going to take more than one term. It probably takes more than one president.” We agree with that last part.
55. Because he promised to “ban all earmarks.”
56. But he didn’t ban earmarks.
57. And he promised to go “line by line” through legislation.
58. But of course he didn’t go line by line through legislation, and in the case of Obamacare apparently didn’t go through it at all.
59. “Let me be perfectly clear.”
60. Because corpsmen deserve a president who can pronounce “corpsman.”
61. Because Jay Carney is the least credible press secretary since Dee Dee Myers had to stand there pretending that she didn’t know what she knew about Bill Clinton.
62. Because Americans deserve the opportunity to see which White House pet will ride atop the Romney presidential limousine.
63. So you’ll be able to criticize the president again without being called a racist.
64. Because there are 46 million people on food stamps.
65. And spending on food stamps doubled from $39 billion in 2008 to $81 billion in 2012.
66. For the existence of food-stamp parties.
67. And the proliferation of food-stamp advertisements.
68. Because he launched the most harebrained foreclosure scheme imaginable.
69. And because there were a record 2.8 million foreclosures in 2009.
70. And then a record 2.9 million foreclosures in 2010.
71. Recovery Summer.
72. Recovery Summer II.
73. Recovery Summer III.
74. Because America cannot handle any more Recovery Summer sequels.
75. To affirm that 50 states are enough.
76. Because he values Jon Corzine’s advice.
77. Because he values Joe Biden’s advice.
78. The fact that the stimulus spent $9.38 million to renovate a train depot that has been closed for 30 years.
79. And $762,000 to develop YouTube–like dance software.
80. And invested $2.5 million in dead people.
81. And sent $11 million to Microsoft to build a bridge at its campus.
82. Not to mention millions of stimulus dollars spent advertising the stimulus.
83. And $300,000 to study yoga’s impact on menopause.
84. As well as $30 million to the Arizona Diamondbacks and Colorado Rockies to build a training complex.
85. And $200,000 to help Siberians lobby their legislators.
86. And $700,000 to help crab fishermen to recover their crab pots.
87. And more to get monkeys high on cocaine.
88. For that vice-presidential salute to “the people building smart toasters . . . this is real stuff.”
89. Because the stimulus included an earmark for a Los Angeles–Las Vegas Maglev railway.
90. And there is not going to be a Los Angeles–Las Vegas Maglev railway.
91. Because he didn’t let a crisis go to waste.
92. Because he demonizes Wall Street bankers.
93. Except his first chief of staff, Rahm Emanuel of Wasserstein Perella.
94. And his successor, Bill Daley of JP Morgan.
95. And his successor, Jacob Lew of Citigroup.
96. Because we wouldn’t mind seeing Goldman Sachs take a loss on this particular investment.
97. Because since he took office, real median household income is down $4,300.
98. Because he can’t distinguish between conservatism and anarchism.
99. Because his “jobs czar” praised Germany for the fact that “government and business [work] as a pack.”