One Liners from the Internetz

I ran across this surfing the web and decided to add them to a post.

44 CLASSIC ONE-LINERS

I may be middle-class, but I'm hard. Al dente, you might say.
--Jimmy Carr
I went to a Grateful Dead Concert and they played for SEVEN hours. Great song.
--Unknown
A boy can learn a lot from a dog: obedience, loyalty and the importance of turning around three times before lying down.
--Robert Benchley
I'm a Psychic Amnesiac. I know in advance what I'll forget.
--Sue Murphy
The world is a dangerous place; only yesterday I went into Boots and punched someone in the face.
--Jeremy Limb
A lady came up to me on the street and pointed to my suede jacket. "You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?" she sneered. I replied in a psychotic tone "I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too".
--Buzz Belmondo
Eighty-two point six per cent of statistics are made up on the spot.
--Vic Reeves
How about those Dodge Turbo Wagons?! What's the deal on those anyway? You can sleep in the back while you're waiting for a tow truck.
--Jim Samuels
If you're being chased by a police dog; try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're trained for that.
--Milton Jones
You just know when a relationship is about to end. My girlfriend called me at work and asked me how you change a lightbulb in the bathroom. "It's very simple" I said. "You start by filling up the bathtub with water"...
--Michael Prichard
There are three kinds of people. Those who can count, and those who cannot.
--Unknown
I don't kill flies, but I like to mess with their minds. I hold them above globes. They freak out and yell "Whoa, I'm way too high".
--Mark Pitta
Why is the winner of the Miss Universe contest always from earth?
--Rich Hall
Yuppie pregnant women don't go into labour, they go straight into management.
--Jake Johansen
Cats have nine lives. Which makes them ideal for experimentation.
--Jimmy Carr
I like to go to concerts that are related, like Talking Heads with Simple Minds. I also rent videos together too. Last week I rented "Bambi" and "The Deerhunter".
--Mark Guido
One day my father took me aside and left me there.
--Jackie Vernon
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.
--Emo Philips
I play golf even though I hate it. I'm not done with a game yet. I hate those windmills.
--Steve Kravitz
If you look like your passport photo, you're too ill to travel.
--Will Kommen
Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives.
--Unknown
It was so cold I saw a politician with his hands in his own pockets.
--Henry Youngman
Hotels are tired of getting ripped off. I checked into a hotel and they had towels from my house.
--Unknown
It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
--Steven Wright
My mother wants grandchildren, so I said "Mum, go for it!"
--Fred Reiss
There are various ways to give up smoking - nicotine patches, nicotine gum. My auntie used to pour a gallon of petrol over herself every morning.
--Paul Merton
I don't have a problem with San Francisco parking. I drive a forklift.
--Unknown
I don't do drugs. If I want a rush I get out of the chair when I'm not expecting it.
--Dylan Moran
I bought one of those anti-bullying wristbands when they first came out. I say 'bought', I actually stole it off a short, fat ginger kid.
--Jack Whitehall
She was the flabbiest stripper I've ever seen. When she ran off the stage she started her own applause.
--Les Dawson
What do you call a kid with no arms and an eye patch? Names.
--Bo Burnham
I don't believe in astrology. I'm a Sagittarian, and we're sceptical.
--Arthur C. Clark
As a kid I was made to walk the plank. We couldn't afford a dog.
--Gary Delaney
First the doctor told me the good news - I was going to have a disease named after me.
--Steve Martin
I picked up a hitch hiker. You've got to when you hit them.
--Emo Philips
I don't like all this fresh air. I'm from Los Angeles. I don't trust any air I can't see.
--Bob Hope
Dave drowned. So at the funeral we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifebelt. Well, it's what he would have wanted.
--Gary Delaney
I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, 'Thyroid problems?'
--Emo Philips

For Vanessa Feltz, life is like a box of chocolates: Empty.
--Robert White

I believe our Heavenly Father invented man because he was disappointed in the monkey.
--Mark Twain
I'm in therapy at the moment. I don't need it, obviously, but I got all these psychiatrist gift vouchers for Christmas which my family clubbed together for. What I wanted was a crossbow.
--Sean Lock
I base most of my fashion sense on what doesn't itch.
--Gilda Radner
Dad can you get my coat? "Erm no son that is in the cupboard and that is where the goblins live".
--Russell Howard
My parents put a live teddy bear in my crib.
--Woody Allen