We, the sensible people of the United States, in an attempt to help everyone get along, restore some
semblance of justice, avoid any more riots, keep our nation safe, promote positive behavior and secure
the blessings of debt-free liberty to ourselves and our great-great-great grandchildren, hereby try one
more time to ordain and establish some common sense guidelines for the terminally whiny, guilt-ridden,
delusional and other liberal, commie, pinko bedwetters.
We hold these truths to be self-evident: that a whole lot of people were confused by the Bill of Rights and
are so dim that they require a Bill of No Rights.
ARTICLE I: You do not have the right to a new car, big screen color TV or any other form of wealth. More
power to you if you can legally acquire them, but no one is guaranteeing anything.
ARTICLE II: You do not have the right to never be offended. This country is based on freedom, and that
means freedom for everyone—not just you! You may leave the room, turn the channel, express a different
opinion, etc., but the world is full of idiots, and probably always will be.
ARTICLE III: You do not have the right to be free from harm. If you stick a screwdriver in your eye, learn to
be more careful; do not expect the tool manufacturer to make you and all your relatives independently
wealthy.
ARTICLE IV: You do not have the right to free food and housing. Americans are the most charitable people to
be found, and will gladly help anyone in need, but we are quickly growing weary of subsidizing generation after
generation of professional couch potatoes who achieve nothing more than the creation of another generation
of professional couch potatoes.
ARTICLE V: You do not have the right to free health care. That would be nice, but from the looks of public
housing, we’re just not interested in public health care.
ARTICLE VI: You do not have the right to physically harm other people. If you kidnap, rape, intentionally
maim or kill someone, don’t be surprised if the rest of us get together and kill you.
ARTICLE VII: You do not have the right to the possessions of others. If you rob, cheat or coerce away the
goods or services of other citizens, don’t be surprised if the rest of us get together and lock you away in a
place where you still won’t have the right to a big-screen color TV or a life of leisure.
ARTICLE VIII: You don’t have the right to demand that our children risk their lives in foreign wars to soothe
your aching conscience. We hate oppressive governments and won’t lift a finger to stop you from going to fight
if you’d like. However, we do not enjoy parenting the entire world and do not want to spend so much of our
time battling each and every little tyrant with a military uniform and funny hat.
ARTICLE IX: You don’t have the right to a job. All of us sure want you to have one, and will gladly help you
along in hard times, but we expect you to take advantage of the opportunities in education and vocational
training laid before you to make yourself useful.
ARTICLE X: You do not have the right to happiness. Being an American means that you have the right to
pursue happiness—which by the way, is a lot easier if you are unencumbered by an overabundance of idiotic
laws created by those of you who were confused by the Bill of Rights.
