Engine Not shut down in Flight

Santa sees the FAA inspector arriving for the annual flight test and immediately notices the inspector carries a rifle again. Thinking of the last years Santa talks to the inspector: "Could we omit the part with losing an engine this year?" The inspector points out the regulations requiring the test. So Santa tries again and offers a bet: "what if I jump higher than your house, of course without assistance by my reindeer Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner, Blixem and Rudolph?" The FAA inspector thinks a while about it, well, what should happen? He lives in a 5 story house, it would be impossible to jump as high as this house, wouldn't it? So nothing to lose here, only to gain, the inspector thinks and therefore agrees, demanding that not only the test would proceed but Santa would give him the one present, that he never had received all life, his own jet, if Santa loses. "Didn't you receive this beautiful Boeing 320 Regional Jungle Jet last year that you can't use anyway?", he asks. Santa nods and accepts the challenge.

So they walk over to the inspector's house. Santa performs a couple of knee-bends to warm up and prepare for a really high jump, looks up the house aiming at the roof top, goes very deep into his knees, then accelerates upwards with big gesture and lifts off. After reaching a height of about one centimeter/half an inch he descends and lands safely with an elegant Telemark.

After a stunned moment of silence the inspector breaks down in laughter and can't stop anymore. After a couple of minutes he gasps: "I have won the bet! Where is my new plane?"

"Wait a minute" says Santa, "first let your house jump!"

Incident Facts
Date of Incident	24.12.2019
Classification	News
Airline	Santa
Aircraft Type	N/A N/A
ICAO Type	SSLH
Aircraft Registration

Best Vehicles For Surviving The Apocalypses(Humor)

Some Tongue in cheek humor, I ran across this article following another link and I shamelessly "clipped" it.  These are some vehicles to survive the Apocalypse.   Personally I kinda like the Plain old fashioned "Deuce and a half or 5 ton Truck....

   

Here is the Humorous article, and I think these vehicles actually exist.

2020 isn't off to a great start. We lost Kobe Bryant, General Motors killed its Holden brand, and most people are being told to work from home. In that order. Could this be the lick that kills old Dick? Hopefully we don't find out soon, but it would be wise to use this valuable time to prepare for the worst. Some might even say, the inevitable. We'll save you the trouble from researching bulletproof cars or trucks good for zombie hunting. It's all here folks. Depending on what causes civilization's collapse, some choices will be more useful than others. Choose wisely. And good luck out there!

Howdy Partner. Aliens have attacked, and you've just been deputized. You'll need the help of bright spotlights and a sturdy bash-bar for an emergency getaway. If Hollywood predicted it right, aliens are going to be tiny little fellas, but they're gonna be fast. The 2020 Ford Explorer marks another generation of the Ford tradition, and it also comes with a new special police model. One that uses a hybrid drivetrain to save fuel, and boost horsepower output. The three-row SUV has loads of room for supplies or friends you might rescue along the way. The FPIU has been engineered to safely soak-up a 75-mph rear-impact, just in case Aliens try to ack you from the back

The intergalactic bandits won't fight fairly, but the FPIU has you covered. Police Perimeter Alert uses the Explorers blind spot monitoring system to alert you when someone is sneaking around. If an object is determined to be a threat, the windows will automatically roll up, the door locks will activate, and footage from the rear view camera appears on the infotainment display. That should give you ample time to escape, considering hybrid models have a combined power output of 318 horsepower and a quicker zero-to-60-mph time than any other police SUV, ever.

Look, you don't call something a "Gladiator" unless it has those sorts of ambitions. Consider the new Jeep pickup's standard equipment (in Rubicon guise): Fox shocks, skid plates, beefy Dana 44 axles, locking front and rear differentials, and rock rails. The Jeep is big but not too big, and its off-road capability and toughness are assets to leverage when you'll be mowing down the undead and clambering around off the grid trying to evade spawning sites—um, we mean, former population centers.

You're probably asking, "But why choose the Gladiator pickup, when your stuff could be protected in the closed confines of the four-door Wrangler Unlimited?" Our easy answer? That the Gladiator represents the "on the offensive" option, both in name and layout. It's ready to fight, and its open pickup bed and removable roof panels make for excellent sharpshooter perches from which to fend off bands of groaning zombies. With the nation’s finest armaments left abandoned by the now-overrun military and useless to the undead, it wouldn’t be hard to utilize the Gladiator’s 1190-pound payload and stick a .50-caliber rotating machine gun in the bed.

We're not sure what Cthulhu looks like–yet. Legends tell of an enormous octopus with big armored scales and tentacles strong enough to lift cruise ships. Whatever sleeping medication Cthulhu takes, it's working, because the beast hasn't revealed itself in over 15,000 million years. When that day comes, choose the Sherp. The 43-hp ATV wears giant 63-inch tires that can climb logs, rocks, ice, snow, but most impressively, travel on water at 3.7 mph. Okay, that's not very quick, considering your typical fishing boat has a top speed of 11 mph, but the Sherp doesn't stop when it hits the shore.

Sherp

Assuming Cthulhu can't fit a pair of Healys at the end of its bus-size tentacles, getting onto shore to escape seems like a good plan. That is of course unless you believe it to have wings. The Sherp has 23 inches of clearance, but only a max speed of 24.5 mph. However, the planet would be full of debris and rough terrain if such an event occurred, so its 35 degrees of grade-ability could come in handy. It's also capable of storing extra fuel within the wheels, expanding its maximum fuel capacity to 76 gallons. Crap, we almost forgot to mention Cthulhu might be immortal. Ugh, you just can't win!

Event: State-Sanctioned Lockdown
Strategy: Sneak out in plain sight.

Pre-apocalyptic sorts of tensions take a while to play out into full-on lockdowns, so you've had time to equip your black Chevrolet Suburban HD (today available only to fleets, but you can get around that snafu, right?) with the requisite "secret service" treatment. That means lights, antennae, tinted windows, and the like.

Shown here in government guise, the Suburban HD is the smart survivalist’s one-up on the swaths of doomsday planners clamoring for a bestickered squad car. No uniformed police or military will dare second-guess you when you glide through checkpoints with a one-handed confident wave. You're above their pay grade, or at least appear to be, and so you're probably doing something important. Bonus effort: Talk three of your friends into snapping up armored Suburbans of their own to create a convincing convoy. If it all goes wrong, the Delta Force says the Suburban can take a hit or two.

Event: Enemy Invasion
Strategy: Off the road and on the run.

The Toyota Tacoma is a little long in the tooth, you say? Could be. But you’re not going to be looking to impress the Joneses when the Russians are landing on both coasts. You're going to need something you can pack up, pack in, and take off in without even an errant concern over its reliability. The hardcore, off-road-ready TRD Pro version ensures you won't have a pang of unease over the Tacoma's capability, either.

The 2020 Tacoma TRD Pro adds an incredible (and appropriate) Army Green paint option. (Don't worry, you’ll be spray painting "Wolverines" before the enemy knew what hit them.) As a bonus, the TRD Pro model can be paired with a dependable six-speed manual transmission, which these days doubles as a better anti-theft system than the most state-of-the-art car alarm you can buy.

Event: Civil War
Strategy: When your fellow citizens war, get yourself something civil.

It's a shame Mercedes-Benz has yet to resurrect the towering G550 4x4 Squared model in the redesigned G-class lineup. It'd be perfect for when the world goes to hell in a handbasket. Plus, a 4x4 Squared based on the new G-class sure would be sweet to show off to your soon-to-be-doomed fellow citizens. While you could always find one on the used market, new is always better; if that new-car smell is something you want to hang onto post-apocalypse, the regular G-wagen is worthy—if not quite as tall as the discontinued 4x4 Squared.

While everyone else dukes it out Mad Max–style for dwindling resources after a national meltdown of epic proportions, you're not ready to give up on those luxuries that make the difference between surviving, and surviving well. And if you conspicuously consumed before, why stop now that the world is burning? The G550 not only is a luxury box to rival the best, but it's an off-road billy goat and comes with a nice, high-mounted brush bar masking its front end from random, post-apocalyptic debris or mobs or zombies. The quicker, more powerful G63 model has a less heavy-duty brush bar, and it's mounted low on the bumper—we won’t get gruesome, but you can do the math there on its usefulness on the out-of-control crowds or zombies. So, use the $23,000 in savings you'll have left over from buying the G550 instead of the G63, and use it to pay for uparmoring and auxilliary lighting.

Event: Enemy Attack
Strategy: Go, go, go!

Offering absolutely no defensive protection, the Ariel Nomad should be your pick if your number one concern is the only concern: getting out of dodge, right f$#@ing now. It's essentially an Ariel Atom that's been over-engineered to move quickly through practically any terrain. Focus on that, not the fact that the buggy has barely enough room inside for a backpack.

What the Nomad does have is a supercharged Honda K24 engine pumping out 300 horsepower, BF Goodrich Mud Terrain tires, an adjustable heavy-duty suspension, and a feathery 1750-pound weight. Picture this: You live in a dense downtown area and learn warheads are inbound. There isn’t much time. Forget your suvival strategy, rations, close friends and relatives—your only option is to beat the masses clogging the roads out of town. And so, sidewalks, alleys, stairs, trails, bike paths, and aqueducts become your paths to safety beyond the blast radius. The Nomad is the vehicle that will make it so in a hurry; trust us, we've practiced it.

Event: Bullet Tsunami
Strategy: Bring this X5 to a gunfight.

Typically when someone describes a car as being bulletproof they're speaking in terms of reliability. In the BMW X5 Protection VR6's case however, it's a far more literal description. The underbody, cargo area, firewall, and door jams are all overlapped with high-strength armor plating that can take blasts of up to 15 kilograms of explosives from a distance of 13 feet. Thanks to Post Blast Protective Technology, the windows don't completely shatter and remain firmly in place. Seeing through them however, well that's a different story.

If the local forecast calls for cloudy with a chance of bullets, the several layers of protection offered in this X5 will keep you from drowning in lead. Windows, door gaps, and even an optional reinforced roof to prevent drone attacks are all part of this shelter on wheels. The right pedal activates a 523-hp 4.4-liter twin-turbo V-8 for quick escapes while your attackers pop another clip into their AK-47s. Run-flat tires and extra guarding around the gas tank are both in place to keep things moving.

Event: A Handmaid's Hell
Strategy: Women and children first.

What if Amazon's A Handmaid's Tale actually happens? There is no better way to save the women and children from some horrific dystopian reality that enslaves and reassigns them than with a new four-door Unimog Crew Cab from Mercedes-Benz's "Defense" line. You can build these rigs aimed at military service pretty much any way you want, but in this scenario we'd suggest upgrading to the armored troop carrier. It's assuredly better for when society is crumbling around you than the less-armored, cloth-sided troop carrier pictured here. Either way, there's room for everyone! Or at least you and your large family.

Sure, this massive Benz is not cheap, but can you really put a price on the survival of your nation as you know it? With eight forward and six reverse gears, the ability to ford water up to 50 inches deep, and portal axles for insane ground clearance, the Unimog isn't likely to encounter a situation that stumps it, apocalypse or not.

Event: Civil Unrest
Strategy: Head for the woods and hole up.

Tensions are rising, the riots are happening a lot more often, the mail hasn’t been coming, and the power has been iffy at best. You can feel it in your bones: It’s only a matter of days before the entire country goes Tango Uniform. That's why you should consider an upfitted Mercedes-Benz Sprinter from Outside Van. Take the family on a fun overlanding trip today, and be super-prepared for an uncertain tomorrow.

If you are anything like us, you wisely opted for the 170-inch "Amp" Sprinter dualie model, with 200 watts of solar array up top, a queen-size bed, shower, rainwater collection, and induction cooktop. With factory all-wheel drive, a suspension lift kit, and some serious off-road rubber, you and your family are headed for the hills to sit this one out for as long as it takes for those riots to die down in the city.

Event: Heavy Rioting
Strategy: Pacify the masses.

Put the kybosh on civil disobedience and you could be running a town or greaseball militia before you know it, and stability and protection is powerful social currency in post-apocalyptic times. So, why not pacify the masses on your way to your new station by using the 250-psi water cannons mounted atop Inkas' very aptly named Riot Control Vehicle will pretty much tone down any anxious crowd you could imagine.

If the hordes get too fighty, don't worry: The Riot Control Vehicle can withstand multiple high-velocity rounds as well as shrapnel from explosions. If the blaze keeps burning, no worries there either—the RCV has a fire suppression system that protects the perimeter of the vehicle. And, yes, that is essentially a giant shovel mounted to the front. Your getaways (or breaches) should be pretty easy, no matter what's in your way.

Event: Global Quarantine
Strategy: There is no hope—but there is booze in this Rolls.

Whatever you did in the normal world to afford the $500,000-plus Phantom Extended Wheelbase, we'll assume you'll be crafty enough to instantly do the math when the antibiotic-resistant super-virus outbreak hits. Even if you can get out of range for a few days, or even weeks, there is no beating a force of nature like this. Earth is done with us and is hitting "reset," and only the germs will survive. It's against this bleak, hopeless backdrop that we suggest the Rolls. Unlike some of the other vehicles on this list, it isn't going to beat the odds and carry you to a post-human earthly existence. No, it's here for those keen on measuring out their remaining days one drink at a time in comfort and style.

Outside, the airborne pathogen has people dropping like flies around the world. But in your Rolls-Royce, you've got deep-pile carpeting, a refrigerator with a decanter (drink up!), and your favorite commissioned artwork in the glass dashboard. Perhaps you'll cast a wistful glance at that art while decompressing in the back seat. Maybe you won't. But more importantly though, you've got silence. You can scarcely hear the screaming and decaying hordes around you as you sip on the Veuve from 1841 that you’ve been saving for just this day.

Event: Global Currency Collapse
Strategy: Barter system.

It's not difficult to imagine a scenario in which the same geniuses who brought you the mortgage crisis, credit crisis, and a few stock market collapses could botch the entire financial system, sending us all back to the stone age overnight. There would be roving gangs, sure, but for the most part people just want to survive—you included, we bet. So, get yourself a Ford Transit Connect cargo van. It's small, affordable, and useful even before the economy melts down.

Imagine, you could barter your way across the nation like a dystopian version of Jon Favreau in Chef, cooking up food for the masses in exchange for raw ingredients, shelter, warmth, or fuel. If business is booming, you can tow a 2000-lb smoker behind you. You'll get far on a tank in this little-ish Ford van, which is EPA-estimated to get 27 mpg highway, and the efficiency of modern solar panels (of which many can fit on the Ford's boxy body) will help with extended stays well off the grid—or what's left of it.

WARNER BROS

I was taking a break while doing some house stuff ,I ran across this while surfing around on one of the 2 wheeler forums that I frequent.  I decided to add picture to each item so the visually challenged have an idea of what the &^%%$# tool it is referring to, After reading this you will be in the knowledge to save yourself some trouble.   This is a Public Service Announcement of this blog and the writer(me).



DRILL PRESS:
A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL:
Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh sh*t!'

SKIL SAW:
A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS:
Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.*Ouch*

BELT SANDER:
An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW:
One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS:
Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH:
Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race. Also known as "Blue tipped Smoke Wrench"

TABLE OR RADIAL SAW:
A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall and/or body part integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK:
Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

you can see then them conspiring against your ride.

BAND SAW:
A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge..........

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST:
A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:
Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER:
A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws, forcing you to drill and tap them out and butchering your palms.

PRY BAR (AKA “JIFFY BAR”):
A tool used to quickly (in a jiffy) crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50-cent part.

HOSE & PVC CUTTER:
A tool used to make hoses and PVC parts too short.

HAMMER:
Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

UTILITY/BOX CUTTER KNIFE:
Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

THE Son of a Bitch TOOL:
Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'Son of a Bitch' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

Lawyer Jokes....Like we need Lawyer Jokes...But here we are.

I had commented in a past post somewhere on someones else's blog about posting lawyer jokes....so I went around and found some Lawyer jokes online.....People make jokes about Lawyers, but Lawyers are necessary to keep the system from screwing you over.  A good lawyer will keep the state from wrecking your future, taking your stuff and turning you into a wage slave for the next 40 years.  I will give you an example.  I used to work at Ford, I had a friend that had sold a pistol to a friend of his who promptly took it to D.C (Before Heller) and got his ass picked up with the pistol.  Well his friend rolled on my friend trying to lessen his sentence.  My friend was in the reserve, had over 20 years, pension from the Army, plus his Ford job, all of this was in jeopardy because of this.  Well I was a shop steward at Ford and he asked me"What do I do?" and I told him "Get a lawyer." he commented..."I can get one of those court appointed ones..." and I immediately told him,"You do that, you are screwed, your court appointed lawyer who is going to have a pile of files on his desk will plea bargain you down to clear you off his desk because he has 25 other people he has to represent.  Get a good lawyer who has your interest at heart,  what is your freedom and pension and job worth?"  Well my friend got a good lawyer,who ran interference,  cost him some$$$ money but was able to keep one of the alphabet boi's from rolling him up.  My friend kept his freedom and his job and his pension.  There is a lesson there, don't be chintzy with lawyers.  a good one will save your bacon. 

An Observation by Sandra Day O'Connor
"There is no shortage of lawyers in Washington, DC. In fact, there may be more lawyers than people."

The Hundred-Dollar Bill.
        Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, and honest lawyer, and an old drunk were walking along when they simultaneously spotted a hundred-dollar bill laying in the street. Who gets it?
        The old drunk, of course, the other three are mythological creatures.


Questions About Lawyers
Q: How many lawyer jokes are there?
        A: Only three. The rest are true stories.

Q: What's wrong with lawyer jokes?
        A: Lawyers don't think they're funny and other people don't think they're jokes.

Q: What do you call 25 skydiving lawyers?
        A: Skeet.

Q: What do you call a lawyer gone bad?
        A: Senator.

Q: What’s the difference between a lawyer and an onion?
        A: You cry when you cut up an onion.

Q: What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 70?
        A: Your honor.

Q: What do you throw to a drowning lawyer?
        A: His partners.

Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
        A: His lips are moving.

Q: What do you have if three lawyers are buried up to their necks in cement?
        A: Not enough cement.

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
        A: The lawyer gets frequent flyer miles.

Q: What do you get when you cross a bad politician with a crooked lawyer?
        A: Chelsea Clinton

Q: If you have a bad lawyer, why not get a new one?
        A: Changing lawyers is like moving to a different deck chair on the Titanic.

Q: How does an attorney sleep?
        A: First he lies on one side and then on the other.

Q: What’s the difference between a shame and a pity?
        A: If a busload of lawyers goes over a cliff, and there are no survivors, that’s known as a pity. If there were any empty seats, that’s a shame.

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a leech>
        A: When you die, a leech will stop sucking your blood and drop off.

Q: How do you get a group of lawyers to smile for a photo?
        A: Just say, "Fees!"

Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb?
        A: Three. One to climb the ladder. One to shake it. And one to sue the ladder company.

Two Kinds of Lawyers
There are two kinds of lawyers: those who know the law and those who know the judge.

Mark Twain notes...
"It is interesting to note that criminals have multiplied of late, and lawyers have also; but I repeat myself."

Bad Reputation
Isn't it a shame how 99% of the lawyers give the whole profession a bad name.
 

This is supposedly a TRUE news story. I have my doubts, but you decide....
        A lawyer in Charlotte, NC purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against fire among other things. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the lawyer filed a claim with the insurance company.
        In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires." The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason: that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion. The lawyer sued....and won! In delivering the ruling the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be "unacceptable fire," and was obligated to pay the claim. Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000.00 to the lawyer for his loss of the rare cigars lost in the "fires."
        But... After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000.00 fine.


Lawyers and Alligators
        Two alligators are sitting on the edge of a swamp. The small one turns to the big one and says, "I don't understand how you can be so much bigger than I am. We're the same age, we were the same size as kids... I just don't get it."
        "Well," says the big alligator, "what have you been eating?"
        "Lawyers, same as you," replies the small alligator.
        "Hmm. Well, where do you catch 'em?"
        "Down at that law firm on the edge of the swamp."
        "Same here. Hmm. How do you catch 'em?"
        "Well, I crawl under a BMW and wait for someone to unlock the door. Then I jump out, bite 'em, shake the crap out of 'em, and eat 'em!"
        "Ah!" says the big alligator, "I think I see your problem. See, by the time you get done shakin' the crap out of a lawyer, there's nothing left but lips and a briefcase..."

Postal Service Goof
The Postal Service just had to recall their latest new stamp issue. Lawyers were part of the design and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.

Minister and Lawyer in Heaven
        A minister and a lawyer arrived at the pearly gates, Saint Peter greeted both of them and gave them their room assignments.
        "Pastor, here are the keys to one of our nicest efficiency units. And for you, sir, the keys to our finest penthouse suite."
        "This is unfair!" cried the minister.
        "Listen," Saint Peter said, "ministers are a dime a dozen up here, but this is the first lawyer we've ever seen."

Heaven Getting Crowded
        One day, a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer all died and went to heaven.
        St. Peter was there, having a bad day because heaven was getting crowded. When they got to the gate, St. Peter informed them that there would be a test to get into Heaven: They each had to answer a single question.
        To the teacher, he said, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into an iceberg and sunk with all its passengers?"
        The teacher thought for a second, and then replied: "That would have been the Titanic, right?" St. Peter let him through the gate.
        Next, St. Peter turned to the garbage man, and figuring that heaven didn’t really need all the stink that this guy would bring in, decided to make the question a little harder. "How many people died on the ship?"
        The garbage man guessed 1228, to which St. Peter said, "That happens to be right. Go ahead."
        St. Peter then turned to the lawyer. "What were their names?"

Guess Who
        A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.
        His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"
        "But why?" asks the man.
        "I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.

Professional Fighting
        Two physicians boarded a flight out of Seattle. One sat in the window seat, the other sat in the middle seat. Just before takeoff, an attorney got on and took the aisle seat next to the two physicians. The attorney kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the physician in the window seat said, "I think I'll get up and get a coke."
        "No problem," said the attorney, "I'll get it for you."
        While he was gone, one of the physicians picked up the attorney's shoe and put a thumbtack in it. When he returned with the coke, the other physician said, "That looks good, I think I'll have one too."
        Again, the attorney obligingly went to fetch it and while he was gone, the other physician picked up the other shoe and put a tack in it. The attorney returned and they all sat back and enjoyed the flight.
        As the plane was landing, the attorney slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.
        "How long must this go on?" he asked. "This fighting between our professions? This hatred? This animosity? This putting tacks in shoes and spitting in cokes?"



Three Wishes
        A man walking on the beach came across an odd-looking bottle. Not being one to ignore tradition, he rubbed it and, much to his surprise, a genie actually appeared. "For releasing me from the bottle, I will grant you three wishes," said the genie.
        "But there's a catch," the genie continued. "For each of your wishes, every lawyer in the world will receive double what you asked for."
        First, the man wished for a Ferrari. POOF! A Ferrari appeared in front of him. "Now, every lawyer in the world has been given two Ferrari's," said the genie. "What is your next wish?"
        "I could really use a million dollars." replied the man, and POOF! One million dollars appeared at his feet. "Now, every lawyer in the world is two million dollars richer," the genie reminded the man, and then asked him for his third wish.
        The man thought for a minute and said, "Well, I’ve always wanted to donate a kidney."

The Truck Driver, Priest, and Lawyer
        A truck driver used to amuse himself by running over lawyers he saw walking down the side of the road. Every time he saw a lawyer walking along the road, he swerved to hit him and there would be a loud "THUMP". Then he would swerve back on the road.
        One day, as the truck driver was driving along the road he saw a priest hitchhiking. He thought he would do a good deed and pulled the truck over.
        "Where are you going, Father?" The truck driver asked.
        "I'm going to the church 5 miles down the road," replied the priest.
        "No problem, Father! I'll give you a lift. Climb in the truck." The happy priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued down the road. Suddenly, the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road.
        Instinctively he swerved to hit him. At the last moment he remembered there was a priest in the truck with him, so he swerved back to the road and narrowly missed the lawyer.
        Certain he should've missed the lawyer, the truck driver was very surprised and immediately uneasy when he heard a loud "THUMP". He felt really guilty about his actions and so turned to the priest and said, "I'm really sorry Father. I almost hit that lawyer."
        "That's okay," replied the priest. "I got him with the door."


Fair and Square
        Taking his seat in chambers, the judge faced the opposing lawyers. "I have been presented by both of you with a bribe," the judge began. Both lawyers squirmed uncomfortably. "You, Attorney Leoni, gave me $15,000. And you, Attorney Campos, gave me $10,000."
        The judge reached in his pocket a pulled out a check, which he handed to Leoni. "Now, then, I'm returning $5,000, and we are going to decide this case solely on its merits."

I'm Innocent!
        "How is it that you can't get a lwyer to defend you?" the judge asked the prisoner.
        "Well, yer honor, it's like this. As soon as those lawyers found out I didn't steal the money, they wouldn't have anything to do with me."

Lawyer on Vacation
        A lawyer was on vacation in a small farming town. While walking through the streets on a quiet Sunday morning, he came upon a large crowd gathered by the side of the road. Going by instinct, the lawyer figured that there was some sort of auto collision. He was eager to get to the injured parties but couldn't get near the car. Being a clever sort, he started shouting loudly, "Let me through! Let me through! I am the son of the victim."
        The crowd made way for him. Lying in front of the car was a donkey.

Are blondes smarter than lawyers? You be the judge.
        A blonde and lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde, very tired, just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over toward the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists (as lawyers are wont to do) and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He says, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00 and vice versa."
        Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep.
        The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $500.00."
        This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to the torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.
        The lawyer asks the first question, "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"
        The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in her purse, pulls out a $5 bill and hands it to the lawyer.
        "Okay," says the lawyer, "your turn."
        She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?"
        The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and Library of Congress, still no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mail to all his friends and coworkers, all to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $500.
        The blonde says, "Thank you," and turns back to get some more sleep.
        The lawyer, more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?"
        Without a word, the blonde reaches in her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.