Webster

The Constitution was made to guard the people against the dangers of good intentions." --American Statesman Daniel Webster (1782-1852)


Tuesday, July 3, 2012

The Female Demerit system...

I was surfing around and ran across this.   Me being a warped individual figured my fellow readers would see the humor.

FEMALE DEMERIT SYSTEM
In the world of romance, some simple rules apply:
-Make the woman happy.
-Do something she likes and you get points.
-Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted.
-You don't get any points for doing something she expects.
-Sorry, that's the way the game is played.

Here is a guide to the point system:
SIMPLE DUTIES
-You make the bed (+1)
-You make the bed, but forget the decorative pillow (0)
-You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets (-1)
-You go out to buy her what she wants (+5) in the rain (+8)
-But return with Beer (-5)
-You check out a suspicious noise at night (+1)
-You check out a suspicious noise, and it is nothing (0)
-You check out a suspicious noise and it is something (+5)
-You pummel it with iron rod (+10)
-It's her pet (-20)

SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS
-You stay by her side the entire party (0)
-You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with an old school friend (-2)
-Named Tina (-10)
-Tina is a dancer (-20)
-Tina has silicone implants (-80)

HER BIRTHDAY
-You take her out to dinner (+2)
-You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar (+3)
-Okay, it's a sports bar (-2)
-And it's all-you-can-eat night (-3)
-It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colours of your favourite team (-10)

A NIGHT OUT
-You take her to a movie (+1)
-You take her to a movie she likes (+3)
-You take her to a movie you hate (+6)
-You take her to a movie you like (-2)
-It's called 'Death Cop' (-3)
-You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans (-15)

YOUR PHYSIQUE
-You develop a noticeable potbelly (-15)
-You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it (+10)
-You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to baggy jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts (-30)
-You say "It doesn't matter, you have one too". (-8000)

THE BIG QUESTION
-She asks, "Do I look fat?" (-5) (Yes, you lose points no matter what)
-You hesitate in responding (-10)
-You reply, "Where?" (-35)
-Any other response (-20)

COMMUNICATION
-When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying a concerned expression (0)
-You listen, for over 30 minutes (+50)
-You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV (+500)
-She realises this is because you have fallen asleep (-4000)

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