I get emails from "the Angry Staff Officer". My good friend "Mac" tuned me into this and I have enjoyed the articles. The author used "Star Wars" because it is such an cultural Icon that every body gets the reference especially when he is teaching soldiers. This is a quick Bio About the Author: Angry Staff Officer is an Army engineer officer who is adrift in a sea of doctrine and staff operations and uses writing as a means to retain his sanity. He also collaborates on a podcast with Adin Dobkin entitled War Stories, which examines key moments in the history of warfare. "
I cut and pasted a couple of stories, I enjoyed the star wars tie in to Modern Military life.
This is an excerpt from First Order Center for Lessons Learned Publication, Light Infantry Operations in Forested Terrain and Treatment of Indigenous Peoples.
Scene: Imperial stormtroopers are seated in rows of benches as a
hologram of the Forest Moon of Endor looms over them. Their company
commander steps forward to begin the briefing.
Captain: “Listen up, troopers, this is your cultural
awareness and intel briefing for your upcoming deployment.
Congratulations, we’re going to some place called the Forest Moon of
Endor, also known as FME, an acronym I’m sure you’ll all pervert in some
profane way. Now listen up: for many of you, this is your first
deployment. My first recommendation is this: link up with someone else
who’s already been out there and has a couple tours under their helmets.
There’s a lot of experience in this room: raise your hand if you’ve
been to Tatooine? How about if you froze your conscripted ass off on
Hoth? Yeah, that one sucked. We’ve got desert fighters, cold weather
experts, space breaching subject matter experts, all sitting right here.
So as we ramp up for this deployment, make sure you’re getting with
these dudes to pump their brains.
Now that being said, this tour isn’t going to be like the other ones.
I don’t wanna hear anything like, ‘Well on my last tour we did it this
way.’ That’s the kind of thing that’s going to have you on shield
generator duty for weeks on end. It’s a whole new system out there.
Let’s start off with some basics on terrain.
So, FME is a, well, forested moon, obviously. It’s characterized by
incredibly thick foliage and a nearly impenetrable – stop laughing,
trooper, get your mind out of the trash compactor – canopy above it.
What does this mean?”
JR-9716: “Uh, sir, it means we don’t have any air cover.”
Captain: “That’s right, trooper. We won’t have any cover
from the Navy’s guns. And not only that, the trees are too dense to get
heavy armor in there. That’s why they’re sending the light-fighters in.
All we’ll be able to fit in there are AT-STs for the heavy weapons
platoon and speeders for the scout platoon, although I’ll bet
Headquarters Troop takes the only operational speeders.
Okay, so, woods, big-ass trees, rocks, that pretty much does it for
terrain. Now let’s move on to – what, LU-2463, you have a question?”
LU-2463: “Yes sir, uh, what’s our mission?”
Captain: “Dammit, didn’t your lieutenant brief you guys the
Imperial Operations Order I gave them? LT, where you at? You and I are
going to have some words after this briefing, and you bet this will be
reflected in your quarterly counseling. I swear, I don’t know what the
Imperial Academies are teaching you kids that go through there these
Right, take out your recorders and prepare to copy. Here’s our
mission. On order, Troop A, 1st Squadron, 503rd Imperial Legion (Light)
moves from SSD Executor to the Forest Moon of Endor (FME) in
order to provide base security for the Death Star’s shield generator and
project forward Imperial power to maintain stability in the region.
At this point I’m going to hand it over to our squadron S-2 intelligence officer.”
S-2: Good morning, troopers, sorry I’m late. Lord Vader just
landed on board and of course everyone is losing their collective
minds, so trying to navigate the hallways was nearly impossible.
Everyone fired up to get out there and make the Empire more secure?
I’ve been tasked to give you guys an intel update as well as some
additional info from the squadron XO. This is a good time to talk
about the local populace. What we know of the moon is that it seems to
be devoid of most large life forms. However, Troop C, which is occupying
the moon right now, says they’ve seen what appear to be small, furry
animals that have some humanoid features. However, they’re experts at
cover and concealment and Troop C doesn’t patrol, so we really don’t
know their capabilities. For the love of all that is Sith, please
patrol; you’re light infantry, that’s your thing. Based on what intel we
have, we believe that these things might be what are called ‘Ewoks.’
They seem to be tribal in nature and have little in the way of
infrastructure. Their culture seems to be based around shamans and
tribal chieftains, but we don’t know anything about their warfighting
capabilities. We do know we haven’t received any readings that would
indicate that they have blasters or any type of modern weapons
platforms. So that’s a plus.
That being said, I’ve been ordered to tell you that we are to treat
the local non-human population in accordance with Imperial Army Policy
Memo 425, which reads as follows: ‘All non-human life forms are to
be treated with the same respect and dignity that we accommodate to all
humans on Imperial occupied systems. Observe respect for local customs
and norms, remembering always that you are ambassadors for the Emperor
and represent the order and security of the Empire.’
Per Imperial Doctrine Publication Conflict Ongoing with Imperial Natives,
or COIN, our goal is to move away from ‘shoot first and ask questions
later.’ The Rebellion is pretty much crushed and we’re transitioning
into stability operations. Therefore, we need to make friends out there
so that we’re not on peacekeeping duty forever. If you’re like me,
you’re tired of getting assignments on worthless systems without a
decent bar. So let’s do our best to not piss off the locals.
Rules of engagement are as follows: don’t fire unless fired upon, but
if you feel like you or one of your fellow troopers are in imminent danger,
you may act to neutralize the threat using economy of force. So, if
they throw, like, a spear at you, use non-lethal means to subdue them.
This will not only preserve your limited combat power, but it will mean
you can capture the creature and get it to us for interrogation.
During your time on FME, Imperial Order 1 is in effect: no
consumption of controlled substances. If we get word of anyone with
contraband, you’ll be on a transport to Tatooine faster than a Bantha
turd. Inside the garrison perimeter, weapons status is at amber, per
order of the squadron commander. You may go red when you leave the base.
Reflective strobes will be worn inside the perimeter when conducting
physical training. At no time are you permitted to downgrade your
uniform posture – this is the Imperial Army after all, not those wimps
in the Navy with their soft caps and weak discipline. I expect you
troopers to uphold the honor of the Imperial cavalry corps. Scouts out!”
Troop A: “Scouts out!”
Captain: “Okay, so now that the squadron spies are gone,
here’s what I have to say: I’ve been in this business going on twelve
years now. I used to sit where you’re sitting, rose through the ranks
and got a commission. I’ve done my time, is what I’m saying. And while
squadron thinks they’ve got this war all wrapped up and won, it’s my
belief that the only thing these locals ever respect is force. So here’s
the deal: we’re going to get on-planet – or moon, whatever – and we’re
going to get out there and patrol; hard. And the first contact you make,
you make it clear that you’re there to be their worst nightmare. Hit
’em with everything you have. Once we’ve made a few examples of the
locals, the rest will quiet down and we won’t have any trouble. Got it?
We’re not going there to win hearts and minds, we’re there to kick ass
and take names.
Alright, move your happy asses off to the central issuing facility to
draw your new equipment issue of scout trooper armor. We’ve got
formation for pre-combat checks and inspections in twenty-four. Then
it’s go time for OPERATION JUST MOON. I know, I know, I didn’t name the
damn thing. Now move out.”
Aftermath: Due to Troop A’s overly aggressive actions, the
population of the FME turned against the Empire, right into the arms of a
Rebel SOF group that inserted onto the moon. In the ensuing engagement,
Troop A was practically wiped out, with the remainder taken prisoner.
Their hubris and reliance on their weapons platforms inhibited their
ability to maneuver and assess threats seriously. Stormtrooper Corps has
compiled these lessons learned from audio files recovered from the
Imperial Security Agency’s internal monitoring section.
Lessons Learned: This vignette highlights the importance of not
underestimating the threat, of the vital need to conduct presence
patrols partnered with indigenous peoples, and the impact that small
unit leaders have on Galactic operations. Had this commander adopted the
squadron’s orders, the situation on FME may have ended in an Imperial
victory. First Order troopers must be aware of the dangers present in
operating in restricted terrain with an unknown host population.
You mentioned that you would like to know what my days are like now
that I have graduated from the Raithal Imperial Academy, and since I’m
on staff duty with not a lot to do, I figured I’d tell you. As you know,
I did not get my first choice of assignment to the Stormtrooper Corps.
I’m sure that makes both you and mom happy that I will be out of combat,
but ever since I read the Tarkin Doctrine
in school, I have wanted to be at the forefront of the Empire’s forces.
Plus, the black uniforms the Stormtrooper Officers get to wear are so
much cooler than these gray ones the rest of us wear in the Army.
However, due to my high test scores, I have been given a very
“prestigious” assignment for a junior officer: I am assigned to the
Plans Section, Operations Division, Orbital Battle Station, Death Star –
North Sector. Aka, I’m a very junior staffer on a colossal base. This
is the premier battle station in the Imperial Fleet, and we’re told that
it is now the supreme power in the universe – although tell that to
Lord Vader and he’ll force choke your brains out. Dad, the staff
dynamics are way different than when you were in.
We start out the day at 0500 with officer PT. Naturally, it’s only
junior officers there. Although one day Captain Piett did jog in while
on a visit from the fleet, take a look at the total sausage fest that is
our all-male staff, and jog out sadly. We tend to just run laps through
the hallways. We once tried to do a full lap around the Death Star.
Terrible idea. Most people fell out, Stormtroopers laughed at us, and we
puked everywhere. Oh, and because of that, now we have to wear
reflective hologram belts that make sure people can see us. It’s
After PT we have first formation, where we are liable to receive an
inspection from the senior officers who seem to have little to nothing
to do. Colonel Veers (you remember, the guy who gave me crap at school
for pointing out that AT-AT’s are too unstable for jungle terrain?)
stopped in to hump the Grand Moff’s leg a little, trying to pick up a
star. Pretty sad to see those guys who get stuck as instructors trying
to get back into the line. Our Chief of Staff, General Molock,
occasionally comes by to do a little professional development, aka,
pointing out why the Navy is wrong about everything all the time, or
gigging us if our code cylinders are askew.
Following first formation, I report to my work station, where some
major usually has a project for me to work on. Last week it was a white
paper examining the metrics from the last time the 501st Legion went to
the range. I don’t understand why these guys can’t shoot, dad, they’re
Lord Vader’s elite Stormtroopers. I’m thinking there’s a problem with
the blasters, but when I mentioned that to my Officer in Charge (OIC),
he just told me that his PowerPoint holograms for the Battle Update
Brief weren’t going to write themselves. I hate field grades, dad, I
We have our staff huddle in the morning as well, where I sit in the
back and try not not catch the lieutenant colonel’s eye. He usually
dishes out his taskers to us then. Because it’s a joint staff, we answer
to a Fleet captain, and he does not like us at all. Keeps talking about
the irrelevance of land power in a post-Death Star world. Luckily,
Captain Piett thinks he’s kind of a jerk and shuts him up during
briefings when he comes around, usually with a pithy one-liner about
tooth-to-tail ratios. Guess you had to be there.
I get lunch at the cantina, dodging Stormtrooper Corps officers, who
are about as stuck up as you can get. We get it, you’re “shock troops.”
You’re still stuck on this big-ass ship, not a lot you’re needed for
here. The food’s decent, I guess.
In the afternoons I work on different plans for either Army personnel
(not a lot of us on this thing, mainly Navy and Starfighter officers)
or joint operations. Since it’s an all-volunteer force now, we tend to
be shorthanded, which leaves me writing most of the stuff myself. I
spend a lot of time trying to work with our admin and logistics staff.
They are the WORST about getting me their annexes to Imperial orders on
time. And then when I get them, they’re never formatted correctly. It’s
like they’ve never even READ Imperial Publication 6-0. And who wants to
read ten pages about the reactor core’s fuel, anyways? Or the protocol
for hologram messages? Our intelligence guys go crazy over that stuff;
guess there’s not that much for them to do on this thing.
Every once in a while I get to sit in on the big briefings to Grand
Moff Tarkin or Lord Vader. I feel like those guys are so out of touch
with what’s happening on the ground these days. They keep talking about
“becoming the supreme power in the universe” and I’m like, “Yeah, but
what about regional security so that we can get some jobs back home?”
And Vader gives me the creeps. You can never tell where he is looking,
so you don’t dare fall asleep or even move around too much. Half the
time, General Tagge is quibbling with Admiral Motti about the role of
the Death Star in Joint doctrine. Apparently, Tarkin believes it needs
to be the core of our doctrine, and Motti has bought that hook, line,
and sinker. General Tagge is a good dude, and he’s not convinced.
I guess that’s really about it. It’s not glamorous at all, but I
think I’m doing some good here. Being at the operational center of the
Imperial Army is pretty cool, I’m picking up on a lot of stuff quickly.
Hopefully I can finish this assignment quickly and get out to the line,
though. I joined up to lead troops, not write opinion papers on whether
non-humans can serve in the Stormtrooper Corps (incidentally, they
totally can, but the higher ups don’t want to hear it).
I suppose I’ll wrap this up right now, I’m not supposed to be using
my work console for personal matters. Plus I’ve got this threat
assessment about the physical security of the Death Star to write up for
General Bast. It’s pretty silly, but I’m grasping at straws here – I’ve
got some comments about the thermal exhaust ports that might get me off
this damn thing and into the line.
Okay, gotta go, Lieutenant Treidum radioed that TK421 isn’t at his
post, so now I’ve got to write up a report. Damn Stormturds, all battle
armor and no brain.
Staff duty blows.