I ram across this while surfing around and figured my readers would get a kick out of it. Some of them are pretty good.
Since I have some police mentioned in this cliche post. There are people that want to ban certain weapons except for the police. I figured I would change it up from Assault rifles to "Donuts" So I had this pic sitting around in my "blog folder" that I have where I pull out these pics I seem to come up with. I will use it.
The kicker is looking at them at 5:00 in the morning after posting it contemplating a dunut run......Durn it.
-It does not matter if you are heavily
outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts: your enemies will wait
patiently to attack you one by one, dancing around in a threatening
manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.
-Honest and hard-working policemen are traditionally gunned down three days before their retirement.
-Incompetent police officers are inevitably corrupt.
-All beds have special
L-shaped sheets that reach the armpit level of a woman, but only the
waist level of the man lying beside her.
-At least one of a pair of identical twins is born evil.
-Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communications system of any invading alien society.
-All grocery bags contain at least one stick of French bread.
-Rather than wasting
bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their arch enemies using
complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gasses,
lasers, and man-eating sharks, which will allow their captives at least
a half-hour to escape.
-You're very likely to survive any battle in any war
unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your
sweetheart back home.
-A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating, but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
-If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.
-If in a haunted house, any strange noises should be investigated by women in their most revealing underwear.
-Even when driving down a perfectly straight road,
it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to
right every few moments.
-All bombs are fitted with
electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly
when they're going to go off, but luckily no matter which wire you cut
it will always be the right one.
-A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
-Police departments give
their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately
assigned a partner who is their total opposite.
-Babysitters are doomed.
-All the 'teenagers' in a school are in reality well past their teenage years.
-Everyone splits up to hunt for the ghost/monster/serial killer.
-There's nothing better than running through the
woods in the dark, waving torches and shouting Dave, where are you? all
the time followed by the serial killer.
-Whenever you go into a bar
in a film, the bartender is always polishing glasses. Doesn't matter if
it's a posh bar or a dodgy one, that's all he does all the time,
-When paying for a taxi, do not look at your wallet
as you take out a note. Just grab one out at random and hand it over.
It will always be the exact fare.
-Creepy music (or satanic chanting) coming from a graveyard should always be closely investigated.
-The Protagonist can always find
inspiration/motivation for the big challenge from dead best friends or
dead family members.
-Single parents usually lose their spouse to cancer (and they're still not over it).
-James Bond never gets an STD.
-James Bond also never seems
badly affected by the amount of alcohol he drinks - sexual, gambling
and driving prowess's remain intact.
-Dogs and children know immediately that someone is the bad guy.
-Good guys never get shot in the face and no matter how grievously injured, always live long enough to say a few words.
-All gratings covering the entry to a ventilation
system will come off with only a tug (no screws), and the shaft is
always horizontal and big enough for adults to crawl through.
-Any group of pathetically inept losers with a boozy but lovable old coach will eventually win the championship.
-No one ever forgets a telephone number, even if it
was only communicated in the middle of a gunfight or car chase.
-At least one scientist is from an oriental background.
-People hack into computers by incessantly typing on
the keyboard. Even though they don't appear to be working in DOS mode,
they never use the mouse.
-Sadistic killers are also witty stand-up comedians specializing in one-liners.
-Bombs are always defused within the last three
seconds, never at twelve or twenty seven. NOTE: This doesn't apply in
James Bond, in Gold Finger. He stops it at 007 seconds to go.
-Detectives hunches are always correct.
-Any fight at a wedding reception will always result in someone crashing into the wedding cake.
-There is always a gun in reach when you fall onto the ground.
-When the hero is running and the bad guys are
shooting at him with a machine gun, the bullets will consistently hit
the ground just behind his feet. This is because it's impossible to
swivel a machine gun as quickly as the hero is running.
-In car chases the hero car
just avoids the woman pushing the pram across the road. Then it crashes
through lots of market stalls (usually fruit and vegetable stalls),
destroying the livelihoods of perfectly innocent hard-working people
but never actually killing any of them.
-A photo and newspaper clippings wall, containing
all the villain's crimes and killings, is always stumbled across by the
hero, typically under a bare light bulb in the killer's basement.
-When the lead detective has
a meeting with his team, it is always productive and completed in
seconds or minutes. Every one contributes vital pieces of information
and the conversation flows flawlessly with everyone possessing super
intelligence and quick thinking abilities.
-Just as the hero and villains fight ends, with the hero winning, about a dozen police cars show up.
-When about to have sex, clothes melt seamlessly off bodies. No one ever needs to sit down and take off shoes and socks.
-Whenever anyone receives a phone call in the middle of the night, it's always 2, 3 or 4am. Exactly.
-The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window of any building in Paris.
-Getaway cars never start first time. But all cop
cars do and they will also slide to a dramatic stop in the middle of a
crime scene. Unfortunately they crash more than any others cars too.
-On a police stake-out, the
action will only ever take place when food is being consumed and
scalding hot coffees are perched precariously on the dashboard.
-Cars never need fuel (unless they are involved in a pursuit).
-Inspiring speeches almost always end in that character being immediately and horrifically killed.
Cars will explode instantly when struck by a single bullet.
-Cars always have a set of spare keys in the glove box.
-Prostitutes always look like Julia Roberts or Jamie
Lee Curtis. They have expensive clothes and nice apartments but no
pimps. None of their clients -rich or poor- beat them, or abuse them
etc. They aren't heroin addicts nor have STDs. They are friendly with
the shopkeepers in their neighborhood who do not mind at all what the
girl does for a living.
-A single match is usually sufficient to light up a room the size of a football stadium.
-One man shooting at 20 men with a handgun has a
better chance of killing them all than 20 men firing at once with
-When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in you room will still be visible, just slightly bluish.
-Plain or even ugly girls can become movie star
pretty simply by removing their glasses and rearranging their hair.
-Anyone can land a 747 as long as there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.
-During all police investigations it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.
-In all martial art movies
the hero can beat up 30 ninjas and martial art masters in 5 minutes.
But if he smart mouths to his 100 year old grandma, she has the speed
to slap him.
-If there is a pool, someone will end up falling into it.
-If you get hit in the leg
or arm with a bullet, even a small caliber one, you just swear briefly,
then carry on fighting for ages and walking around without any pain at
all, nor do you seem to lose blood. When 12 hours later you go to the
doctor, he takes the bullet out instantly, you don't need the limb
amputated or even bandaged.
- Any couple that fights in the beginning is bound to end up together.
-The protagonist has a
minimalist apartment in a skyscraper with full window walls. He wakes
up and stands nude, contemplating the city vista.
- The crazy old aunt/bum is actually very intelligent and provides key insight at the last minute.
-If you ever need to hide a
child while you go off to battle your enemies, there's always a long
lost relative who lives somewhere remote that will be more than happy to
receive them in the middle of the night.
-Subway/Elevator doors close just as the character reaches them in a mad dash.
-It is always possible to park directly outside any building you are visiting.
-No one ever has to take a shit. Ever.
-If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.
-When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to
the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage.
-No one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.
-When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.
-You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.
-Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper
clip in seconds, unless it's the door to a burning building with a
child trapped inside.
-An electric fence, powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no lasting damage to an eight-year-old child.
-Television news bulletins and radio programmed
usually contain a story that affects you personally at that precise
moment you turn the television on.
-People having conversation in a cafe never seem to finish their food and just take off after their conversation is over.
-Everybody carries around flip phones which can be broken like a pencil and thrown away.
-There is no limit to which a street camera can be zoomed and apparently they are present everywhere.
-The protagonist can jump over rooftops with ease
and can save himself from falling even if he gets the tip of his finger
over the wall.
-Women turn into martial arts experts whenever they are dressed in tight suits.
-It doesn't matter what kind of job you have in NYC,
you can afford a spacious brownstone house in a good neighborhood.
-If you are an evil
mastermind, then all bad news is the mistake of the messenger and it
makes perfect sense to shoot/kill/maim/hurt them.
-Any car that is wrecked will catch fire and burn.
People who have suffered head and neck injuries in car accidents are
needlessly harmed by well-intentioned would-be rescuers who believe
-Mobile phones only work until you really need them then you will either be unable to get a signal or the battery will be flat.
-A defibrillator can revive dead people. In fact, you would use heart massage on a dead person.
-People can be knocked out
for hours with one punch and with no long term health issues, when in
reality if you are knocked unconscious for longer than a few seconds
you will probably experience fairly serious brain damage.
-In any dangerous situation the good guy will leave
the pretty girl in a safe place, where the bad guy will kidnap or kill
-In any situation involving a
group of people the natural leader will get everything so screwed up
that only the most worthless member can save the day.
-The bad guy will always be shot/stabbed from the
back just as he goes to pull the trigger or bring down a knife on the
-Your six-shot revolver can fire 17 times without reloading. and 19 Indians fall down.
-A professor is always interrupted in the middle of a
lecture by the bell or when something important is about to be told.
The same goes in any detective film. Just as someone is about to tell
the detective who the murderer is, after they keep stalling, as the
open their mouth to say who it is, someone shoots them.
-No-one ever says 'bye' at
the end of a phone call; one person will just terminate the call
without the other thinking this rude.
-People can hold their breath underwater for ages, especially in panicky situations.
-The sound from an explosion in
space can propagate through the vacuum and be heard and felt, sometimes
violently, by an observer in a distant spacecraft. The travel time of
the sound is also instantaneous regardless of how many millions of kilometers away the observer is located.