How to start a fight.....humor

HOW TO START A FIGHT

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift. The next year, I didnt buy her a gift. When she asked me why, I replied, Well, you still havent used the gift I bought you last year!

And thats how the fight started.

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My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire? while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, Do you want to have sex?
No, she answered.
Is that your final answer? I replied.
She didnt even look at me this time, simply saying, Yes.
So I said, Then Id like to phone a friend.

And thats how the fight started.

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Last weekend, my wife and I went to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
Ill have the rump steak, rare, please.
He said, Arent you worried about mad cow?
I replied, Nah, she can order for herself.

And thats how the fight started.

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My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, Do you know him?
Yes, she sighed. Hes my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasnt been sober since.
My God! I said. Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?

And thats how the fight started.

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My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, Whats on TV?
I said, Lots of dust.

And thats how the fight started.

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Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked the boat up to the van, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wifes back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, The weather out there is terrible.
My loving wife of 5 years replied, And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?

And thats how the fight started.

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My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 180 in under 10 seconds.
So, I bought her a bathroom scale.

And thats how the fight started.

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After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my Drivers License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, Unbutton your shirt.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.

And thats how the fight started.

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My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to me, I feel horrible; I look old, fat, and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.
I replied, Your eyesights near perfect!

And thats how the fight started.